I lie in bed and think of what could have been. I imagine what our house would have looked like, the late night conversations we would have, us cooking together and then eating together, I imagine falling asleep next to you knowing when I woke up you’d still be right there beside me. I cry myself to sleep every night. The nights are the worst. I feel so alone. Sometimes I feel like cutting again but even though you probably don’t care I feel like if I did I’d be letting you down, so I don’t. I try to be happy, to hide this pain, to show you that I’m ok, that I can live without you. I try to find interest in other guys, convincing myself that I can do better, that there is better, but there is no better. Not to me. What we had… It was beautiful. We had such a deep connection. I felt so intimate and so comfortable with you, I truly believed that you were my soulmate, that I would marry you someday. It hurts so much that you wouldn’t even give us a chance. We could have been so perfect. I would never give up on you like you gave up on me. I would have been beside you until the very end. Nothing, no distance, no situation no matter how hard things got, nothing would diminish my love for you, or tear me away from you. I was never going to leave your side. I guess we finally found out who loves who more. You were wrong. It was me all along. I dream of the day you come back to me, even though we both know that day will never come. It’s over. I never thought I’d have to say that. Sometimes I wish I never replied to you, other times I’m glad I did. Even though the pain I feel now is unbearable, the time we spent together is something I will always cherish. From the moment I first layed eyes on you, to the ‘first’ time we met (I still remember the blue hoodie you wore, and how even before you said anything I was drawn to you), our first kiss, and how nervous we both were, our last kiss and how at home I felt in your arms, and how at that moment everything was so perfect and I felt so safe and secure, little did I know that a week later it would all come crashing down. I’ve taken the photos off my phone and my wall, trying to erase you from my life. That stupid drunken message makes me feel like I can’t talk to you anymore, even though I want to so badly. I just wish I could say all this to you. I just wish you knew what was going on. And I wish I knew how you felt, what you were doing, if you think about me at all, if you’re upset or if you shed a tear over me. Because I haven’t stopped crying since you left. I feel so broken, and only you can fix me. I wish you could wipe away my tears and tell me how beautiful I am to you and how much you love me, and how you’d never leave me, just like you used to. I miss your lies so much. I miss you.
i never want to get married and have kids i want to be 40 and a highly successful director and show up to my high school reunion dressed entirely in yves saint laurent with blood red lipstick and louboutin heels that could penetrate a man’s soft flesh in the current year’s bmw convertible and wear chanel sunglasses the entire time even while indoors so i don’t have to hold eye contact with the little people
All I want is a hot boyfriend with good taste in music with the same morals as me and who won’t cheat on me
I haven’t felt this way in a long time, just when everything seems to be going ok it all comes crashing down again. I’m tired of being like this.
Relapsed again, and now I feel like shit but at the same time I just don’t give a fuck about anything. I’m just so tired.